Published:
Toddler and preschooler behavior is often a form of communication. When a young child hits, cries or refuses, they're usually showing a feeling or need they can't yet put into words, like hunger, tiredness or frustration. Understanding that "why" helps families respond with calm, kind and consistent support.
Your toddler tosses their cup because it's the wrong color. Your preschooler shoves a friend during a playdate. In moments like these, it's natural to want to stop the behavior fast. But the most helpful response often starts with a different question: "What is my child trying to tell me?"
Think about an iceberg. Only the tip shows above the water, while most of it is hidden below. Children's behavior works the same way. The tantrum, the push or the refusal to get dressed is what you see. Underneath, there might be tiredness, hunger, frustration, too much noise, worry or a need to feel close to you.
When you understand the need, it's often easier to find a response that helps.
Adults can usually say, "I've had a long day and need a few quiet minutes." A two-year-old usually can't, so the message comes out through behavior instead.
Part of the reason is brain development. Psychiatrist Dr. Daniel Siegel and Dr. Tina Payne Bryson describe a "downstairs" brain that handles instinct and strong emotions, and an "upstairs" brain that handles thinking and self-control. In young children, the upstairs brain is still being built. When a big feeling takes over, children can "flip their lid" (another of Dr. Siegel's phrases), and long explanations won't land until they've calmed down. You can read more here.
That's where co-regulation comes in. When you stay calm and close, use a gentle voice and simple words and give your child time, you lend them your calm. Over time, these shared moments help children learn to settle big feelings on their own.
Every child grows at their own pace, but some patterns are common at each stage.
Babies (birth to 12 months) share their needs through crying, expressions and sounds. They're asking for help, not trying to manipulate anyone.
Toddlers (1 to 3 years) often grab, bite, hit or have tantrums as their independence grows faster than their language and impulse control.
Preschoolers (3 to 5 years) have more words, but they may still bargain over rules, struggle with transitions or react strongly when they're tired or overwhelmed.
Looking beneath the surface doesn't mean saying yes to every behavior. The goal is to meet the need while holding safe, steady limits.
Name the feeling. "You're frustrated because it was time to stop playing." Words help children make sense of what they feel.
Stay calm and close. A lower voice and your steady presence work better than reasoning in the middle of a big moment.
Look for the trigger. Was your child hungry, tired or in a loud room? Spotting patterns helps you plan ahead.
Hold kind limits. You can accept the feeling and still keep everyone safe: "It's OK to feel mad. I won't let you hit."
There's a wide range of typical behavior in early childhood. If your child's behavior is extreme, lasts a long time, puts anyone at risk or regularly gets in the way of daily life, talk with your pediatrician. They can also tell you about developmental screening and early intervention services in your area.
At N Family School, our Educators see behavior as communication. They get to know what helps each child feel safe and settled, and they guide children through big feelings with calm, caring relationships and predictable daily rhythms. Updates through the N App help home and school work together toward the same goals.
We'd love to show you how we partner with families through the big feelings and the small wins. Inquire today to learn more about N Family School.
It's a way of understanding children's behavior. What you see, like a tantrum or hitting, is just the tip. Underneath are the feelings and needs that may be driving it, such as tiredness, hunger or frustration.
Yes, it's common. Toddlers have limited impulse control and language, so hitting and biting often happen when a feeling gets too big. Calmly stopping the behavior and naming the feeling helps them learn better ways to respond.
Lead with connection and clear limits. Acknowledge the feeling, keep everyone safe, stay calm and show your child the behavior you want to see.
Choosing the right preschool comes down to a few key things: a curriculum and teaching approach that fits how your child learns, qualified and consist...
